What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 00:06
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was very sick at this time too.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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I was 9 years of age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I waited trembling.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
What are the differences between promotions and sales?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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So, i spoilt her more .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why do subpar women think that they are nines and tens?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Have you ever had your crush reject you, and then later you all dated and married?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Put me off passion for life!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She loved him until the end.
She found it foreign!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She wouldn,t have been !
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I don,t even have a pension.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But, we were locked up after school.
I write beautiful poetry .
All the time i was locked up.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I couldn’t, believe it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My family never makes their pension either.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So whats the point in blame.
Im still living with it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I never cut or harmed myself..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I said to her
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot live in the past .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
When she asked me how she looked .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I have no regrets .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I could never make a relationship work though!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He knew the spot.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Ive learnt so much.
She was in good health!
She married twice! .
I think the readers, may guess!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Would this be the day?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Who then, do I blame.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My life is so biszare .
We were not on the streets..
I was scared of men, in general
Especially a lifetime of it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We all went to grammer schools
I will be 64.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And i lived it daily.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It was going to be , some day.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was seconnd youngest,
He resisted the act ,that day.
Comes on , in middle age.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
What did i know ?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But it wasn’t much.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
This is soul school!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im dying but, im not bitter.